The straw that broke the camel's back...

Oh, "the straw that broke the camel's back" - we seem to toss this phrase around without thinking about how straw might actually break something... like a roof... to a hangar...attached to a house... from a torrential Malian rain storm. Let me explain...

I had a great week at Roger's site down the road (60K) from mine. We cooked, read some books, made some compost, played with some kids, biked to some markets, biked to the waterfalls, visited three villages/weighed babies/made ameliorated porridge in all of them, and greeted teachers and the Mayor of Zegoua, a town that borders on the Ivory Coast. His village is so relaxed, his homologue is great at introducing him to people, and his village loves him and greets him every day. It is very clear that they want him there and that they want to work with him. Everyone was so friendly to me and I really felt at home and completely unstressed. My entire week there was relaxed, and I felt ready to come back to my dirty village and yet again, try to motivate them to work WITH me, and not just ask me to GIVE them money or tractors or cement.

So, I biked the 15K uphill back to my village and was very pleasantly surprised when everyone greeted me and was incredibly nice to me - they didn't even make any bean jokes at me. (Bean jokes here, like calling someone a "bean eater", are the equivalent of an American fart joke). I thought this was a little strange, but then again, I will take whatever I can get from them. I was feeling positive until I walked up the hill towards my hut and saw that my hangar, essentially my front porch (and my ONLY source of privacy, considering that I live directly in the concession with the village chief and his brood of annoyances) was COMPLETELY GONE. The cement in the walls were cracked, two wood posts had fallen, and the roof had completely fallen in and was scattered on the floor. I was shocked, to say the least, especially because no one bothered to call me or try to clean it up before I got there. I was so mad, and everyone that I asked told me that it broke FIVE days ago from a very windy storm and that they were going to fix it "soon." Here in Mali, "soon" can mean anywhere from tomorrow to a week from now. I made it very clear to EVERYONE that I was upset, and so they tried to calm me down by bringing me copious amounts of food. For the first time in my life, this method did not work. What if the hangar had been my thatch/straw roof?

For eight months now, I have literally given all of my efforts to my dirty, disgusting village. I put up with their daily pleas for money, my bike, my clothes, and presents; I joke with them about all of the dirty, latrine water that floods the mud streets in hopes that they will want to actually do work and fix it; and, I greet everyone in my village at least once a month to show them that I care about them, care about getting to know them, and about helping them develop. And, how do they repay me?

- They barely thank me for the vaccination hangar I built for them, and they barely let me help with baby weighings or do animations. Instead, they put me on the spot by asking me questions in front of large groups of people, I fumble with my Bambara words, and they think that I am not competent. My Chef de Poste constantly belittles me and makes me feel like I know absolutely nothing, when in reality, I am more educated than he is. It is to the point where I do not look forward to going to the CSCOM to greet or work.

- They STILL have not dug their holes for their soak pits - a project that the PREVIOUS volunteer started. It takes maybe three hours to make an entire soak pit, and my villagers have ALL of their materials (courtesy of Peace Corps), yet do absolutely no work. They understand that building a soakpit will eliminate some standing water and therefore cut down on the amount of malaria mosquitoes in the village, but they still do not put in any effort to DIG A HOLE. Have I mentioned that all they need to do is dig a hole, throw some rock in it, and cover it with cement that Peace Corps bought for them? In a land where daily routines consist of drinking tea and chatting, perhaps digging a hole is a daunting task.

- They tell me that building "tippy taps" for handwashing is a great idea, yet they get mad at me when I walk to the other side of the village to help that side (my homologue's side, and the only part that is semi-willing to work with me) build the stations and don't tell the village chief's side of the village that I am going to help other people work. The politics in my village are awful - there are three main factions, and no one likes each other and they refuse to work together, both in general and with me. In fact, they get mad at me for not going back and forth between them to pass messages, even though it is not my job AND it is only a five minute walk. (As a side note, "tippy taps" are a great resource for handwashing if villages do not have a lot of money - see this for more details: http://www.akvo.org/wiki/index.php/Tippy_Tap)

- Telling myself to only help those people that care to help themselves is easier said than done - in a village as divided as mine, there is no way to help only a few people without everyone else noticing and getting mad, even though it is their own fault for not trying. It is also hard to live on the side of the village that does not work with me, for they just get mad at me for helping on the other side of the Mosque and not giving them money or a tractor. I feel stuck.

- The same concept applies whenever I mention the work that I am starting in other villages. My goal is to motivate my village to finish their projects (the soakpits!) so that we can start a new one, but they miss the point completely - they just get mad that I am traveling "so much" and that I never "sit in my village." The crazy part is that the enriched rice project that I am doing in the village 4K away from mine was FIRST DONE IN MY VILLAGE at this time last year. But, no one cared to come to the formations or there was a miscommunication or something, because now my village wants the same project again! I cannot even explain how frustrating this is. I am also planning a "Take Our Daughters to Work Day" in Sikasso, and rather than be excited that a few girls from the village will be able to come to Sikasso for a few days and learn about careers, they just see me as not being present at the CSCOM, and therefore, not working. Why would I go to a CSCOM where no one respects me, no one lets me do the work that I was trained to do, and where I am treated like a subordinate, rather than an equal? Again, I feel stuck.

- Finally, as wonderful as my homologue is, our relationship was established because I made all of the effort. She never introduced me to people in my village, she never greeted me at my house, and she never really practiced my Bambara with me. The reason that we are so close is because I practically lived at her house when I wasn't at the CSCOM or trying to make conversation with the dugutigi's family in between their requests for everything that I own to be given to them.

- Not to mention that I am ALWAYS sick because my hut is literally surrounded my human and animal shit.

So, the natural next step would be to seek out some solutions. Should I have Peace Corps come to my site, AGAIN, for a third time? Should I continue to work with only the people and villages who want to work with me, even though the people I look out of my window and see every day will be mad at me? Should I try to travel and do malnutrition animations with the NGO that comes to my village all of the time, even though my chauvinistic Chef de Posts insists that he must accompany me everywhere? Should I continue to "lead by example," even though people just ask me to give them everything instead of work with them and teach them? Once again, I am stuck.

My broken hangar was the straw that broke the camel's back. I now completely understand this phrase. And, I am tired. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of explaining that I left my home to come somewhere completely different and that sometimes, it is a little hard. I am tired of having to write down the positive things that happen every day just so that I can look at it to get through the next day. I am tired of having to prove my competence every day, even though I am fully capable of functioning in this country (as evident from my ten months here). I am just fucking exhausted.

So, I told my village I needed a break and that I was coming to talk to my Peace Corps Regional Coordinator here in Sikasso. They get mad whenever I mention talking to Peace Corps, maybe because they know that things are not progressing like they should and that it's bad if Peace Corps has to come to my village, AGAIN. Either way, I will be staying in Mali, NOT EARLY TERMINATING, but something needs to change... I just haven't figured that part out yet. Cross your fingers for me. And, feel free to send me care packages. I will be updating my list momentarily.